Facing Demons
by JoyfulMariska
Summary: It is much different walking down the road herself than coaching others to do so. It's a road down which Olivia never wanted to go. But she must. She's a survivor. Post "Surrender Benson"
1. Chapter 1

**Just something I thought of doing. Post "Surrender Benson" **

It wasn't what she'd meant to say.

She remembered her head pounding, her heart beating so fast that her eyes swam in the blur of the moment.

She'd begged to live. She'd told him she'd do anything to keep her life, and now she wished he'd taken it.

Olivia sat in the squad room two months and eight days after she'd said those words, just thinking in the only place she knew how. Her hand's fingers traced her jawline involuntarily as her mind wandered, her wide eyes fixed on an invisible object on the floor a few feet away.

Her headache grew in intensity when she saw herself tied up, looking up at his gun as he brought it down on her with a sickening crack.

Olivia jumped when she heard the sound echoing through her mind again. She was so ready to move on, but she was stuck. People looked at her differently now, something she wished she could change.

Their eyes were sympathetic, their silent words cutting into Olivia. She knew what they were thinking; she'd been in their position more than once and she understood their looks. Still, it was as if they were just waiting for her to crack, to crumble into a broken soul with no hope of being put together again.

None of them would ever know it, but Olivia felt like that was what she was about to do.

Her head felt like it was going to explode more often than not. She couldn't eat. She couldn't sleep. Her life had been pulled out from under her feet, and she was struggling to stand back up.

She felt a combination of feelings she couldn't explain. She wanted to go back to being who she was before, and yet she couldn't even remember back that far. It was like she'd been erased and redrawn completely different.

She was so angry at Lewis for destroying her, and she was scared to push through it, just in case she was pushing the wrong way.

The sound on the streets below frightened her, making her jump at every honk of every horn.

The sirens gave her chills, visible shivers that seemed ready to overtake her.

The horrific experience found her reevaluating everything: relationships, her home, and her job. It was the first time that she was able to see how much of her life was already gone, memories that had already passed.

Those first steps in her apartment, two long months after her attack, were painful. The feeling of darkness was palpable, seeping into her skin and working through every fiber of her being. She was able to see that she'd been caught up for so long in giving her life to save others, that she had forgotten to save herself.

"Liv."

Her name was a distorted whisper as she sat in her new world.

"Liv."

Her partner watched her jump as he said her name for the second time. The heartbeats in his chest hurt every time he saw the expression she was giving him, after she'd just come back from a different, far more traumatic world.

"Sorry. I was just - thinking."

Olivia was ashamed every time one or all of her teammates called her out of the past she was constantly reliving. She didn't hold eye contact with Nick for long as she busied herself organizing files on her desk that were already in perfect order.

He could feel her embarrassment.

"I was just heading out. You need a lift home?" He asked her softly.

Olivia stood up, her healing wrist throbbing for some reason.

"Uh - no I can get home on my own." She grabbed her jacket off the back of her chair, but didn't move toward the door.

She stood, holding Nick's gaze in her tired eyes.

He was scared for his partner. She'd changed so much that even the feeling of her presence was now different. Even though she hadn't shrunk, she seemed smaller, less of what she used to be: a powerful force of a woman, confident and fearless.

He nodded. "I know. But I don't charge."

He smiled when he found a small grin on her lips, but it was soon to disappear.

Olivia wanted to be able to tell Nick everything she had to see and feel those four days she was Lewis' captive, but she couldn't find the words.

She nodded in reply. "Alright."

Nick smiled at her compliance. He just wanted time to spend with her, whether they were speaking to each other or not. He needed her to know that she could tell him anything, that he wasn't judging her.

Yes, she had changed. She knew that just as much as he did, but he was ready to get her back on her feet.

They stepped out onto the steps of the back lot of the precinct, the rainy night lit only by surrounding street lights.

Olivia wouldn't say it out loud, but she felt safe with Nick. She walked to his vehicle quietly, not even one glance exchanged.

He watched her wince when she reached back for her seatbelt, her ribs still giving her grief when her body moved certain ways.

He hadn't had a chance to get her alone for a possibility of a conversation with just the two of them. He hoped she would talk to him.

She could hear his silent words. They drove through traffic for five minutes before she spoke. She knew she had to.

"Nick I know you're trying to help me out." She looked down at her hands in the dark car before glancing up at him.

He looked back at her, not having expected the words that left her mouth.

"But I just need time." Her voice was quiet, laced with deep emotion as she said it.

Nick put his eyes back on the road. He didn't know what he could say, so he remained silent. He waited a while before saying what was on his mind.

"No one thinks any less of you because of this, Liv. I wish you'd believe that."

It was a touchy subject, he was well aware, but it had to be discussed.

Olivia took a deep breath, that anger returning so fast she couldn't think.

"I'm not stupid. I know when I walk into a room and everyone looks at me they're all thinking the same thing."

She recalled the moment she walked out of that house on Long Island, Nick's arm around her as she struggled to stand.

Their looks hadn't changed.

"They're thinking about how lucky they all were it wasn't them who had to go through that. Trust me, Olivia, they already know you're the strongest woman in his department. Not even Lewis could take that away." Nick finished while looking right into her darkened eyes.

Olivia swallowed hard and looked back at the road. The silence continued for another moment. It was going to come out of her; she couldn't keep it in.

"I get nosebleeds every night. I can't get them to stop." Her voice was shaky, and she cursed at it in her head as she watched the city go past her window.

Nick felt his heart break a little more.

"Have you seen a doctor?" He asked her.

Olivia gave a sad smile and shook her head.

"I don't need anymore of that."

That day she'd finally seen what victims of rape had to go through. The rape kit had taken the last of her dignity, if she'd had any left at that point.

Her mind went back to when Lewis had thrown her down on that bed, her body still struggling to take control of its movements.

It was going to come out at trial, but until then, she wouldn't tell anyone what he did to her in that bathroom.

Nick saw her leave again. He knew that frozen body position from many times before.

"Liv." He brought her back.

"Sorry." She mumbled a reply.

He gave her a small smile. "No. I get it. " He replied softly.

She sat back with a silent sigh, laying her head against the back of the seat as they drove on.

"Nick. You don't have to wonder if I'm ok." Olivia spoke in a near-whisper.

Nick let the words sink in before he even thought about his reply. A nod was all he answered with.

"Not everyone is fine all the time, Liv. I just want to make sure you know that." He said.

She felt her lips tugged into a small smile. It was comforting to know that she was understood.

"I know."

She remembered that night, the one her life began to change. He had asked her if she was alright, and for the first time she remembered, maybe the second, she'd answered with a 'no.'

Now, sitting in the quiet vehicle alongside her partner of two short years now, Olivia felt safe.

"So I'll just ask one more time, and then I'm done." Nick looked over at her and actually met her eyes.

"Are you ok?"

She hesitated before shrugging, shaking her head a little. Her voice gave out as she replied in a whisper.

"No."

Her partner gave her a little nod as his eyes returned to the road, his vision less clear as a lump formed in his throat, tears threatening his eyes.

"Call me. I'm serious, Liv. We should talk."

Olivia felt the fear creep into her veins again, thinking about telling her trusting partner what Lewis had done to her, what he'd taken from her.

She looked at him with watery eyes.

"Isn't that what we're doing?" She gave him a small smile.

Nick turned into the front parking lot of Cassidy's apartment building, stopping near the front.

"This is heavy stuff. You can't go around carrying it alone." He said to her.

Olivia swallowed hard, her hand ready to let her out of the car.

"Thanks, Nick." She left the vehicle and stood outside for a moment, the door still open to the drizzly air.

"See you tomorrow." She shut the door and gave him a small wave as he drove off.

When Nick's car was out of sight, Olivia turned to walk the hundred or so feet she had to find the apartment entrance in the darkness of the night.

She crossed her arms tightly across her chest, shivering in spite of the warm air. The darkness, the slight rain took her back to that night.

She'd been in the car when he'd shoved the bottle down her throat, choking her. She actually thought that she'd be killed with all the liquid she inhaled.

It hurt.

It tasted awful as it burned her mouth, her lungs.

Olivia shook her head as she stepped into the building and let her arms hang down loosely. A deep shaky breath led her to the elevator, where she paused and turned toward the stairs instead.

It was worse now for her than it had been before - with elevators. After being enclosed, penned in like an animal, treated like one, Olivia refused to willingly put herself in a confined, restricted area where she could not escape.

* * *

He heard the door open while he stood in the kitchen, reaching for a beer only just having gotten home himself. He stood up straight and put his drink down on the counter, finding Olivia walking toward him.

He smiled at her. "Hey you." He said quietly.

She answered wordlessly, wrapping her arms around him, longing for comfort. He held her tightly without question, feeling the pain in every beat of her heart pressed against his.

"You're ok." He whispered in her ear, feeling her then relax into him.

Olivia closed her eyes as she held him.

"I am." She nodded against his cheek.

**Continue? End? Tell me what you want!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry for the wait! **

The nights were always the darkest in Olivia's room as she lay next to a sleeping Brian, her eyes fixed on the shadows dancing on ceiling. Her arms crossed over her chest, protecting her heart from any more pain, but failing.

She didn't even have to close her eyes to see the blood on her carpet, or feel the blows of the gun, every slice of the knife as she sat as prisoner in her own chair, her own cuffs used against her.

She blinked slowly, breathing faster and faster with very passing moment. Then came the smell that had made her cringe, his breath landing on her face as he kissed her arm, ready to take whatever she'd had left. He had reeked of booze and sweat as he pressed against her, telling her to that she wasn't going to make it out alive.

Olivia sat up quickly, putting a hand to her bleeding nose. She cursed in a whisper, swinging her feet over the side of the bed and standing as she held a hand to catch the drops of deep crimson. She walked into the bathroom and switched on the light, grabbing for a handful of Kleenex's. As she pressed the wad of tissue to her nose and leaned against the sink, she lifted her eyes to look at herself.

The scar along her hairline would not fade any more. It was going to serve as a permanent reminder of what Lewis had done to her.

Olivia sighed heavily, putting her full weight on the right arm that rested on the sink. She glanced at the clock on the wall. 1:30 A.M. Her nose soaked the Kleenex's she held, and she replaced them with another stack.

Every night for the past two weeks, she'd been waking up with blood on her pillow, in her throat. She figured it had to be stress associated with her nightmares, but she was not about to admit it.

The sound of Brian moving in the bed made her heart fall again. She hated when he had to wake up to check and see if she was ok. It wasn't fair that what she'd gotten herself into had to affect him so much.

He appeared behind her in the bathroom and put his hands on her shoulders gently.

"Another one?" He saw the red staining the Kleenex nearest her nose.

Olivia looked down, nodding.

"Yeah, but I'm fine, Brian. Go back to bed." She tried to keep her tone soft, but it was hard.

He heard the shame in her voice.

"Let's take a trip to the hospital. They'll be able to help." He suggested softly, already knowing what her answer would be.

She shook her head. "It's just a little blood. I'll live."

Her irritability was so sudden, as it had been every day since Lewis had attacked her. Her moods changed faster than they ever had before. Cassidy removed his hands from her shoulders and took a step forward. He didn't fight it.

"Ok." He kissed her on the forehead and then left her to be alone.

As Olivia looked at herself in the mirror, the lump in her throat returned. She could never go back to change what happened, and it hurt. She'd cut off her hair in the moment of the worst pain she'd ever felt, and now her appearance was different. Everything about her was. It was like she had forgotten who she was before.

She could still smell the hot keys on the stove, feel the burn as he pushed them into her skin. She felt him ripping the duct tape off her legs, her eyes averted, refusing to believe what was about to happen.

She'd always known how to get herself out of every situation she was thrown into. And it was an awful feeling, one that she relived constantly, when she remembered how she'd felt when she'd pulled violently at her cuffs, trying to do something, anything to removed herself from the situation. She had been helpless, powerless against him.

Olivia switched the Kleenex's out again, and, unable to stare at herself any longer, walked out to where the kitchen light was illuminating the small apartment. A heavy sigh found her leaning against the refrigerator, now looking out the dark window in the living room.

It was unsettling. She felt it more now than ever before. Every person walking or driving out on those streets posed a threat to her. She'd always been cautious when in public, especially at night. But now it seemed like every person she looked at could potentially be the next one to attack her, the one person that would grab her and take her life, crushing it.

Olivia walked swiftly to the windows and pulled the curtains shut on all of them. The night was a scary time. She just wanted to shut the dark out, if only for a short moment.

When her nose finally stopped bleeding, a half-hour after it had begun, Olivia traveled back to her bedroom, where Brian was lying on his side, pretending to sleep.

His heart physically hurt when he saw how much Olivia had changed. It was so painful to find her, shaking in her nightmares, only to be awakened by the dripping of her nose.

As he lay there on his side, he listened to her take another deep breath, a defeated sigh, the noise he only heard her make at night when she thought no one else was listening. The bed moved as she slid beneath the covers to his right.

Her eyes found the ceiling again, tracing the invisible lines her imagination had created. Brian opened his eyes as he faced her, reaching out slowly, stroking down her arm until he found her hand.

Olivia turned to face him, her other hand resting limply on her stomach as she let her hand be held by his. Their words were silent as they both looked into each other's eyes. He gave a soft smile, receiving a small grin in reply. Olivia's other hand found his, and she felt her eyes close in the safety that was Brian.

They slept like that, hands assuring both of them that life would go on, and they would move on. It was just so hard to believe that when the shadows she used to work alongside became the demons that sought to destroy her.

That night her demons were kept at bay.

* * *

Her partner laid in his bed, doing the only thing he could. He thought about everything that had gone wrong. It was the same thing he'd thought about every night after Olivia had been rescued. Whenever he had time to himself, a moment of silence even, his mind would wander to the past.

The fear he faced in the pit of his stomach when they'd found Olivia gone, her blood the only thing she left behind, had been the most intense he'd ever felt. He went back almost as much as she did.

:::

_His heart pounded as he readied himself to go into the beach home from where Olivia's call had come from He was the one who had been chosen to go in. It was his partner who was in there, and it was his job to go get her back. But he was afraid of how he'd find her._

_ He went in anyway, Olivia meeting him at the turn of the first hallway. _

_Nick immediately felt his heart jump into his throat, his heart beating faster and harder than it ever had. He holstered his gun, reaching his hands out for her, seeing her legs wobbling unsteadily, her upper body swaying slowly as she ran her hands along the walls, trying to keep herself upright. _

_"Liv. Liv. You ok?" He got to her taking her right hand and putting an arm on her back as he spoke close to her. _

_Her face was bleeding, her eye blackened, arms bruised, burned and sliced. He could feel his own head pound when he saw hers, blood still oozing from the large wound. Her wrists were so bruised and welted that Nick was afraid he'd hurt her if he held her hand, but he couldn't let go. _

_Olivia didn't answer him. _

_"He's in the bedroom." She spoke in a shaky, unrecognizable voice - one that scared him. _

_He walked her toward the door as he glanced down at her left wrist, bruised terribly. It was broken, no doubt. She shook against him, and it broke his heart that he could do nothing to help. _

_"Ok. I'll get someone in here." He opened the door and watched her stop upon seeing the incredible police presence. All eyes were on her, and he could feel her wanting to disappear. _

_He threw the blanket he held over her. _

_"It's over now, Liv. It's over." _

_He had believed before that he'd get a feeling of relief when he saw her, but what he felt was anything but. It was almost more scary to see her in the shape that she was than to be fearing for her life as she continued to be missing._

:::

Nick sat up in his bed, throwing the covers off in frustration. Another sleepless night awaited him. He walked to the window in his bedroom, watching the lights of the city, those moving and those in fixed positions, knowing that she wouldn't be sleeping much throughout the night either.

It wasn't fair. Olivia hadn't deserved this.

It was perpetrators like Lewis, those who showed the many flaws in the justice system, that made him want to turn in his badge, hand over his gun for someone else to take over. Sometimes it was just too much. But he knew that he had to do it - simply because no one else could.

They all dedicated their lives to getting justice for every victim they came across. They all put their lives on the line for strangers, people on the streets they didn't even know. Olivia, after fulfilling her duties for 15 years had not deserved the hand she'd been dealt, and it destroyed Nick a little more every day knowing he couldn't do a thing to change it.

* * *

The captain had been speaking with Barba about the trial that was forthcoming, still quite a ways in the future. He sat up late that night, reading through the files that had been left on his desk.

He shivered again when he saw the pictures: the blood stains deep in Olivia's carpet, the chair, the duct tape, and the bed post with which she'd beaten him to within an inch of his life. When he sat back in his chair, Cragen could not help but go back as well.

:::

_She came out of the house when he stepped out of the squad car. His throat tightened, and he swallowed hard as he saw what Lewis had done to her. There was so much blood that it alarmed him. Her hands were stiff in the position they held, out a ways from her body as she kept them raised as her body shook._

_The relief was only short-lived as he froze in the spot he stood. She was alive, but struggling even to walk. It hurt him, every fiber of his being seeing her like that. For so many years, more than he could count on both hands, he'd been the one to watch out for her._

_He'd always known something like this would happen. It was inevitable with how dedicated Olivia was to her work. She'd saved lives for over a decade, and it left her looking like she did, hair damp, skin glowing with sweat as blood mingled over bruises and welts and burns._

_It honestly felt like he'd been stabbed._

_He couldn't move. He just watched Olivia as her partner speak words of comfort in her ear as he supported her._

:::

Cragen turned out his light, not even bothering to go to his bed. He laid out on the couch in the darkness of the night, knowing it was pointless to even attempt sleep. The world was rotating slower than it had, and on a crooked axle.

He had to hope it would be right again soon, but he also knew that it wasn't going to right itself.

They would have to help Olivia get her life back to whatever normal she could achieve.

They _had_ to get her back. It was not a choice they had, but a duty they'd taken upon themselves.

And they would succeed even if it took the rest of their lives.

**Thanks for reading :) Anything else you want to see? **


	3. Chapter 3

The squad found themselves in their precinct again, sitting around in the slow hours of the morning, their leader missing again. Nick clicked his pen as he leaned back in his chair, the butterflies in his stomach always ready to make themselves known.

It was like the nerves hadn't stopped, even though he knew she was safe.

But what if she wasn't? What if something had happened that was preventing her from getting to work? He couldn't help but think like that.

Amanda saw the look in Nick's eyes, feeling the same way herself.

* * *

It was the hardest thing she had to do everyday, walking into the building that had been the safest place in her life for the past fifteen years. She knew she was late, as she often was.

The only thing that stung worse than the biting pain at her nerves was the feeling of every pair of eyes in the squad room on her as she walked in. No one said a thing. They just looked at her like she was broken beyond repair, those sympathetic glances sometimes aggravating to her.

That morning when she walked into the room she used to own, Olivia saw what she did on every other morning. There they all were, looking at her again. As she traveled to her desk, she spoke under her breath, loud enough so they could hear.

"As you were." She mumbled.

Cragen had stepped out of his office only moments before she'd spoken, and he called her name.

"Liv."

He had his hands deep in his pockets. Olivia turned to find him standing there, just one more person with their eyes on her.

"Can I see you for a second?" She gave a small sigh, her mood already sliding.

She dropped her bag and followed her Captain into his office, shutting the door after herself.

Cragen didn't even know how to begin.

"Olivia, I just wanted to check in with you. See if you're feeling ok." He began anyways.

She put a hand through her hair, still shocked by how short it was in her fingers.

"Captain, I'm fine. You don't have to ask me that." She replied.

Cragen knew it had to be said, so he said it.

"Well someone has to."

The words earned him a stern look from Olivia, but he didn't stop there.

"I know you're capable of taking care of yourself. But I also know that not even you could go through something like that and come out perfectly fine."

Olivia had known these words were eventually going to come out of her captain's mouth. She looked down, her mood switching, the lump in her throat again.

"I just want you to treat me like you always have - like you would anyone else." She cursed in her head at the shake she heard in her voice.

Cragen gave her a small grin. It was relieving to hear her say what she wanted, as she often didn't say anything at all.

"Ok."

As she turned to leave, he reached out and caught her arm gently. Even so, it startled her, causing her to turn swiftly, yanking it out of his grasp.

Things were not the same; she was not who she had been.

Her heart immediately sped up as she looked into the face of William Lewis. Only one blink of her eyes and he was gone, her captain standing before her instead.

He could see that look in her eyes, that glance that showed her readiness to fight or run.

"Sorry." She whispered.

"Liv-" he stopped as he saw the crimson color on her face again as a small drop of blood trickled out of her nose.

"Damn it." She put a hand to it, catching the next three drops.

Cragen reached back and handed her four tissues from the box on his desk. She took them, not willing to go out the door and have her colleagues see her like that - again.

"You get them a lot, I hear." Her captain put an arm on her shoulder and sat her down in the chair across from his own.

Olivia nodded, a little angry that Nick had told the captain about their private conversation.

"I'll have Nick take you in."

She shot him a look, silently begging him not to.

"Don't. They can help with them, Liv." He sat on his desk as he looked down at his detective, the closest one he'd ever had to a daughter.

Olivia couldn't stop her thoughts from spilling out. "I just want them to stop."

They both knew that they were no longer talking about the bloody noses. She wanted the memories to stop, the flashbacks, the nightmares, the feelings of vulnerability.

He nodded. "They will. It'll take time, but they will." He replied.

Olivia met his eyes.

"You don't always have to be fine." He was almost whispering.

"Nobody's fine all the time, and that's ok. I just want you to be able to tell me when you're _not_ ok."

She never looked away. She even nodded, pausing and then shaking her head, ashamed a little of the tears that came to her eyes. She gave a defeated smile.

"I'm not ok." She reached for new tissues as her nose continued to bleed.

"You'll get there." He stood up and took her hand to help her stand as well.

They walked to the door together.

"You have a bad day, you come talk to me."

She offered him another smile. No words could express how grateful she was for people who cared so much for her.

"Deal."

They both entered the squad room.

"Amaro." Cragen spoke.

Nick got up immediately and approached the two.

"Will you take her in for me?"

Her partner nodded. "Absolutely. Come on, Liv."

He put his arm around her and led her out of the room. Munch perked up with the other three.

"She ok?" He asked.

"Just having some bloody noses. I've got a case for you three."

* * *

The walk to the car was silent between the two partners. Nick remembered what she'd said the night before as he'd drove her home, and he didn't ask her if she was ok.

As they drove away from the precinct, she spoke.

"I'm sorry, Nick. I-"

He didn't refrain from cutting her off. He shook his head as he replied quietly.

"No. It's ok."

She was sorry for everything. She was sorry she had changed. She was sorry she had to burden him with the things she'd gone through.

The one thing she realized as she sat in silence with him was that she didn't feel obligated to say anything. They were comfortable together.

They didn't talk the entire ride to the hospital. When he parked, he saw the look that Olivia had while she looked at the hospital. The last time she'd been there, it'd been an invasive, intimate procedure she'd had done. He could tell that she was nervous.

"Hey." He reached out to touch her hand gently.

She jumped a little, snapping her head back to him.

"We're going to be fine." He opened the door and led her into the busy chaos that was Mercy General.

* * *

Olivia and Nick were absent from the squad room over the next two hours as the detectives went to work on a rape-murder. Amanda worked alongside Fin and Munch trying to uncover any evidence that would lead them to their killer. They were all sitting at the computer at Munch's desk when their friends and colleagues returned.

"You good?" Munch realized he shouldn't have said it when he remembered how she'd responded to the last comment he'd made to her regarding her condition.

Olivia saw that he wished to take it back as soon as he'd said it.

She nodded. "I'm good. What have we got?"

The crew worked hard all day, as they normally would. Everyone had that concern in the back of their minds, the concern for their leader and friend. The captain sent them all home early after they'd uncovered solid evidence to add to their case.

Olivia took a cab home, sitting uncomfortably in the back of the vehicle with a stranger in front of her. It was the first time she'd refused a ride home from her partner, the first time she had made it her challenge to make it home on her own.

And so she sat, nervously ringing her hands. It was when she was jolted with a sudden stop by the cabbie that she was sent backwards in time.

:::

_"What about that pert little detective, the blonde one. She's not gonna notice all the cuts, all the bruises?" _

_Lewis was staring at her as she sat, helpless to save herself, tied to her own chair. _

_Her heart raced. This was her last chance. If she blew it now, she could kiss her life goodbye. Her brain spun its story easily, even in the heat of the situation. _

_"Cab stopped short. I hit my face on the divider." Then he came at her again, lunging with a look of darkness on his face. _

_The burn his cigarette made when it put a hole in her shirt and singed her skin made her cry out in pain. _

_He shoved it in hard, making sure she felt every lit fiber on her chest._

:::

Olivia threw the money she held in her hand through the divider.

"I'm just - I'm gonna walk."

She opened the door, not able to bear the confinement anymore. The cab drove away, leaving her in a quiet part of the city, street lights and cars the only source of light.

Olivia ran her fingers over the strap of her purse as it hung on her shoulder, her heart beating so fast it hurt. She backed up, stopping only when she felt the cold concrete ledge of the building on her back.

She didn't want the shadows, or whatever was in them, to sneak up on her. Olivia dug in her purse, retrieving her phone. Still five miles from the apartment, she knew she wouldn't be able to walk all the way home, and she was certain she wouldn't be getting back into a cab.

With one final feeling of shame, Olivia dialed Brian's number. She crossed her arm over her chest, hoping to shelter herself from the terror of darkness.

"Hey. Uh - could you come get me?"

Brian was obviously concerned, and he told he'd be there in a few minutes.

Olivia waited against the side of the building, her heart never slowing down to normal speed as she did. The familiar vehicle pulled up to the curb in only a few moments, but it felt like an eternity.

Brian leaned over and opened the door for her from the inside. Olivia got in and just sat there, her breathing hurting, her heart sore. Brian let her sit for a bit before he touched her shoulder.

"You're ok. Hey."

She finally looked at him.

"You're alright."

She put her arms around him gently, needing that comfort again. He gave her a soft kiss on the top of her head. It was so hard for him to keep his pain inside. There was never a harder moment in his life than when he saw her jump, when he saw her pupils dilate in fear.

He drove her home that night, and he later held her tight as they both lay in bed. He wished he could do something to go back and change what happened, but he couldn't. Even in their situation, there wasn't a day that he wanted to be anywhere but by her side.

He'd let her go thirteen years before, and he wouldn't let them drift apart again. He loved her too much to do that.

So there they were, breathing easily in the darkness of the night. Lewis hadn't taken her life. She was still here.

Olivia was going to fight to get back to as close to normal as she could, and Brian was going to be right next to her all the way.

**SVU is in talks to get Pablo Schreiber (William Lewis) back for a trial. You mentally stable enough to see it? Because I'm not.**


	4. Chapter 4

"So I heard you took a trip to the doctor today." Brian spoke carefully when they entered the apartment that was now their home.

Olivia took a shaky sigh, trying to relieve herself from the anxiety she had from the appointment.

"Uh - they were reviewing a couple possible causes for my - bloody noses." She gestured to her nose as she set her bag down on the counter and moved to the fridge for a glass of water.

Brian leaned on the island.

"They figure it out?" He asked quietly.

He could tell something was off.

Olivia felt the lump return in her throat. What was there that Lewis hadn't taken from her? She'd missed two months of the life she knew, and now she was facing more recovery time. It wasn't fair.

"No."

Her answer took him by surprise, but he didn't say anything in hopes she'd continue.

"They ran some tests, took a scan or two -"

"Wait - scans? For what?" He stood up straighter.

Olivia took a drink of the cool liquid and leaned against the fridge.

"The doctor thinks it's probably just stress that's causing the nosebleeds."

"That was his professional opinion?" Brian didn't mean to be as sarcastic as he was, but he was worried.

"High blood-pressure. But he wanted to make sure it doesn't have anything to do with my concussion, so he had a few scans done to see if I have any - bleeding."

It was scary. What if it wasn't just stress? What if it was actually something much more serious. Her headaches, though she hadn't told anyone, had gotten more intense, a pressure beginning to build behind her eyes.

Brian read the fear on her face and walked over to her carefully, slowly in the dimly lit kitchen. She looked up at him, the tears that she had tried so hard for so long to hide finally beginning to spill.

"I'm gonna be ok." She gave him a small, tearful smile as she set her glass down on the counter.

He brought her shaky frame into his, wrapping his arms around her after kissing her tenderly. He knew she needed the comfort that he was ready to give. The small sob he both heard and felt against him broke his heart. Her hands moved on his back, frantically trying to calm herself.

"Right?" She whispered in a faltering voice.

He'd never seen her like this. Olivia knew he hadn't. She'd never cried so hard in front of anyone, but she was unable to hold it in any longer. The pain inside her had been clawing its way out of her soul since the moment she'd escaped The Beast's grasp, and now it was appearing with a vengeance.

Olivia just held onto the one person who she knew wasn't going anywhere. Someone had to tell her it was going to be ok.

Brian nodded.

"Right." He rocked her as he had the day she'd walked into that hospital, her wrist obviously broken, her head bleeding, arms battered.

He hadn't wanted to hurt her, but she was the one who hugged him first. She'd wrapped her broken arms around him, her face pressed against his, her blood on his cheek as well as hers. He had cried in front of the entire squad as he held her. The thought he'd never see her again the only one in his mind.

"Hey. You need to get some rest, then. I'll call Cragen. We'll just stay home tomorrow, huh?" He ran the palm of his hand as softly as he could over her hair, laying a kiss on her top of her head as she calmed down.

Olivia took a deep breath as she nodded.

"I already told him." She stepped back, staring into his worried eyes.

"Alright. I've gotta call my boss. Anything you need before you go to bed?" He asked her.

Olivia smiled a little at his kindness. She was a lucky woman.

"No. Thanks, Brian." She gave him a gentle peck on the lips before heading to the dark bedroom.

He had not foreseen this ever happening, them being in this position when he'd kissed her in that hospital room over a year before. He hadn't known that he was going to have to help her through the process that she'd been helping others through for fifteen years.

But he wouldn't have had it any other way. Brian had Olivia. He loved her. He had almost lost her, and that realization would never leave him.

* * *

Nick went home to an empty house, a familiar setting now. He sat down heavily on the couch after grabbing a beer. He would never stop blaming himself, he realized in a moment of pure exhaustion.

It had been two months and a few weeks since he'd held her with both arms, feeling her shake, seeing her bleed, and it was still the only thing he ever thought about.

The shadows couldn't hide the guilt he felt in his aching soul, and the beer couldn't wash it away.

* * *

Rafael was thinking the same thoughts that Nick was. He would never admit it to Olivia, but he felt terrible about what had happened. He hadn't been able to speak with her about it yet, and when he did, he wouldn't tell her he guilt he harbored. He respected her too much to do that.

As he sat in the office, another late night, he rested his head in his hand, eyeing the files carefully. His hand didn't want to grab the next picture and flip it over, revealing another.

He had been looking at the same photo for over a half hour, unable to flip the page, unwilling to let his eyes wander from cut to bruise on Olivia's face.

He was still prosecuting the case, much to his dismay. Rafael had let Lewis slip through his fingers once, and it had nearly been the end of Olivia's life. He was afraid that if he let it get away again, the man was going to finish the job on her.

The trial was still months off while William Lewis recovered from the severe injuries he'd received at the hand of Detective Olivia Benson, so Barba still had time to prepare. Not any amount of time would be enough - he would always be certain of that much.

His hand reluctantly flipped the picture over, revealing the next. Her face was not shown on the page, only her decimated arms, bloodied, bruised, and broken. He swallowed hard, flipping through the rest of the papers, for some reason or another.

He had other cases he was preparing for, but he couldn't seem to stop looking through her case file, even though every fiber in his being resisted it, not wanting to see her like that. But because she always told him she was fine, that she always acted normal, Rafael had to look at the painful pictures just to make sure that it had, in fact, happen.

She was attacked, cut, burned, sexually assaulted. The statement she'd made in a private room to an IAB detective told Rafael almost too much. He had taken her to the bathroom where he had not uncuffed her. He had not taken the tape off her mouth.

Rafael quickly shook his head, flipping to the next item in the file. There it was. The statement was staring back at him. The words stood out again. They were always the same ones: "violated..." "weapon..." "badge..." As fast as his fingers had touched the words, Rafael closed the file and leaned back with a heavy sigh.

There was no going back now, so he was going to try his hardest to help her move forward. Barba would put Lewis away for good if it took him his whole life.

He left his office that night with a heavy heart, moving out into the lights of the New York City night. He needed to talk to her before his words in his mind ate him from the inside out.

* * *

Munch, thinking long and hard, realized that he had known since those long days Brian Cassidy had been so distraught, asking the questions Munch was asking himself, that it was time.

It was time to go - to say goodbye to the job at SVU he'd so long been partial to.

Seeing his former partner like that in the very situation that all of them knew they would be in someday was the last nail to be driven into his body. Munch had seen a lot over the years, but it was when his friend and colleague of fourteen plus years went missing, in the hands of a sociopathic rapist and murderer for more then four days, that he felt it was just too hard for him to do.

He couldn't do it again, seeing any one member of his team struggle through what she did. Olivia, a woman who was changing the world, putting her life on the line for strangers, had been tortured at the mercy of a rapist. It was too much for him to handle, and it hit him hard.

Munch finished his resignation that night, planning to turn it in the very next day. In his chair, the seasoned sergeant reflected on the good years at SVU he'd had. He brought back memories of when he and Cassidy, now Olivia's boyfriend, were partners. They were two young men (younger, at least) joining a group of three others. Those were the good ol' days.

But Munch couldn't find the power to smile as the events of the last few months returned to his thoughts. They were going to be fine without him, he was sure. It would be different, not seeing the faces everyday of those he knew and loved.

His squad would no longer be his squad. His captain would not be his captain anymore. It was the end of his run at SVU.

* * *

Brian listened to Olivia sleep when he discovered it was impossible to do so himself. She slept peacefully, her back turned to him as he stared at the ceiling.

It was a new world they had entered. He knew now that what she had said to him only a short year earlier.

:::

_"I'm not who I used to be."_

_ She was smiling down at him as she sat at his side in that hospital room. He eyed her from a different angle._

_ "Sure you are." He replied with a grin of his own. _

_Olivia was so beautiful as she gave him a shake of her head and a small chuckled. _

_"No. I'm not." _

_And then came that sweet kiss, the one he'd gone without for thirteen years as her lips made contact with his. Her hair tickled his face. _

_"Well that was nice." He smiled at her when she leaned back up. _

_"Something about a man in a hospital bed." She smiled down at him. _

_It was like she had aged backwards, growing more beautiful every year._

_ "Ok. Florence Nightingale."_

:::

The greatest night of his life. That was it, without a doubt.

She wasn't who she used to be, but he loved the woman she had become. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, her beauty, her compassion, her loving heart.

Brian woke up every day feeling lucky that he had her back, and yet his heart hurt for her.

That night, he thought about a few words to explain what he knew she felt, and what he knew he felt. They came to him right before sleep claimed him.

_"Nothing happens until the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of change."_


	5. Chapter 5

Munch walked into the squad room early that morning, heading straight for Captain Cragen's office, the file in his hand. The room was scarce of his squad members as it was earlier than any of them was accustomed to.

Cragen put his head up at the sound of a knock on his door.

"John. You're up early." The captain stood up as Munch smiled and entered.

When he held out the file, Cragen took it hesitantly.

"I didn't want anyone to be around when I gave you this. It's just - easier." Munch watched Cragen open the folder, a saddened expression coming over his face.

"Your running away too?" Even with the exhaustion in his voice, Munch could tell it was a joke.

He chuckled a little before becoming serious again.

"I've been thinking about it for a while, but I'm ready now." Munch kept eye contact with Cragen.

"What made you make up your mind?" The captain didn't have to ask to know the answer.

It had been because of Lewis' case, the one that had gone too far, gotten too close for comfort.

"Lewis," was all Munch said.

"I don't think I could do that again." He shook his head as he thought about the intense stress, fear, and anxiety he'd experienced those four days Olivia was missing.

Cragen paused to nod slowly in understanding.

"Well I guess you won't have to." He set the file down on his desk.

"I know how you felt." The captain sat down, and Munch did the same across from him.

"I thought we were going to lose her." He stared at the floor while he spoke the words he'd never let anyone hear.

Munch lost himself in the thoughts as well. They didn't have to make a sound, and they knew what the other was thinking. They spoke silently for another couple minutes before Cragen looked up.

"Well, Sergeant Munch, you had one hell of a run."

Munch stood up with him and took his outstretched hand.

"Thanks, Captain." Munch smiled at Cragen, remembering the first day he'd shook his hand so many years before.

It all had gone so fast.

"You want to tell them?" The captain looked out the window to where Nick and Amanda had entered the room.

Munch let go of his hand and turned to look as well. With a sigh, he nodded.

"Yeah."

* * *

Olivia was awakened by that familiar feeling of her vital blood leaving her nose again. She opened her eyes and sat up, putting a hand out to catch the drops. The clock in the room read 5:45 as Cassidy slept next to her.

Olivia felt the frustration creep into her veins, mingling with fear as well. She got up quietly, hoping not to wake Brian, and made her way into the bathroom where she grabbed the tissue box and ventured into the dark apartment.

After walking to take a look at the city through the living room windows, Olivia sat down, curling her legs beneath her as she tried to keep herself calm. The doctor had told her that her stress and anxiety only added to the problem, so she needed to stay rested and stress-free.

A few moments later, Olivia heard Brian padding across the cool hardwood floor into the living room. She could hardly see him in the dark, but it was comforting to have him there.

"Hey." He put a hand on her shoulder as he stood over her.

He knew she didn't want him to ask, so he just gave her a tender kiss on the top of her head.

"I'll make coffee." He headed into the kitchen and reached for two mugs out of the cupboard, setting them on the counter.

Olivia just sat in the dark living room, taking deep breaths, closing her eyes.

Brian watched from the dimly lit kitchen, his hands supporting his weight as he leaned on the counter.

"You ok?" He asked her quietly.

Olivia turned to look over at him.

"I'll be fine." She replied.

That was her reply to everything. She was always telling people she was fine, even when she knew she wasn't.

* * *

Nick and Amanda listened to the last of Munch's stories as the morning progressed. Fin joined them when he arrived, Munch telling him the news as well. After finishing their laughs from his last coy remark, Amanda shrugged and asked him lightheartedly.

"So why are you going?" Munch's smile disappeared after fading slowly, and he sat for a moment in silence.

"Liv." His reply was quiet, reflective as he stared at the unoccupied desk that Olivia would have usually sat in.

Nick and the others nodded in understanding.

"Well we're going to miss you around here, Old Man." Fin changed the subject as quickly as he could, giving a friendy pat on the back to his longtime friend.

Munch smiled a little. "I'll miss seeing you guys everyday."

He nodded at each of them.

"We'll miss you, Munch."

Nick shook his hand firmly before the older man stood up and grabbed the box that contained everything he'd collected on and in his desk at SVU.

He left with a silent goodbye, gone before the other detectives even knew it. It seemed like they were dreaming.

This wasn't real.

Sergeant Munch couldn't be done.

But he was.

* * *

Rafael spent another day going through what he knew he'd need for the impeding trial. Even though he knew he had at least a month to prepare, he was panicking already.

The case wasn't looking grim. The suspect's DNA was all over Olivia when she'd been examined. Lewis was with her when the police found her.

There were a few holes Barba had yet to fill, though. The cameras on Olivia's apartment's floor were out, making it impossible to confirm that William Lewis was on her floor or even in the building when she was attacked. The only trace left in the apartment was one single strand of his hair, the rest all belonging to Olivia herself.

His DNA was all over her gun though. The only part that was going to be tricky about the trial was filling in the initial attack, the events that occurred in Olivia's apartment.

Both at Olivia's apartment and at the home in Long Island, CSU had been unable to recover any prints because of Lewis' "kitchen accident."

Whether the trial was a slam dunk or not, Rafael was going to fight like hell to make sure Lewis would never see the light of day again.

* * *

"Where's Liv?" Amanda asked when the captain partnered her and Nick up to go out and investigate a rape in Chelsea.

"Uh - her concussion is giving her problems. Doctor wants her to rest up. We're capable of covering, right?" The captain didn't want to tell more than Olivia wanted others to know.

Nick knew what was happening, but he was well aware of her longing for privacy in her life - especially now, so he kept his mouth shut.

"Sure, cap." He replied, leading the way out the door.

Amanda yanked him into a conversation the minute they were out of earshot.

"This have anything to do with her bloody noses?" She whispered.

Nick pressed the elevator button, not wanting to have to answer.

"Yeah." He simply answered her.

"She ok?" Amanda asked a question Nick was tired of hearing.

What did they really think, that she was perfectly fine?

He looked over at her.

"What do you think?" The tone of voice he used made it easy for her to tell he was irritated, stressed out.

Amanda stopped speaking after that.

* * *

Olivia answered the phone from the couch where she was napping later that morning as Brian washed a load of clothes.

The doctor told her that he discovered what was happening with her concussion and bloody noses, and that he wanted to speak with her as soon as possible to get her on some medication.

Olivia agreed to an appointment later that afternoon before hanging up. She laid her head back on the armrest of the couch, pulling the blanket tighter to her chin as she felt the drowsy feeling overcome her again.

There were things she liked about having the day off. Olivia enjoyed catching up on much-needed sleep, and she liked spending time with Brian.

On the other hand, she wasn't busy enough to keep the thoughts of her attack from sneaking up on her every now and then. As she laid on that couch, eyes heavy but open, staring at an ornate decoration on the TV stand, images flashed in her mind.

She had brought a few items with her from her old apartment, one being the beautiful crystalline decoration with one word hanging within the object as if it floated on air.

That one item held so much emotion, darkness, pain.

Her mother had given it to her the day she'd left for college.

Olivia looked at the sparkling word _Fearlessness_ shining in her eyes as she'd taken it.

It had been a moment like she didn't get often with her mother. Serena Benson had told Olivia that she was proud of her daughter, and wished for her to stay that way - fearless.

Then just months before, the object had become the one that she had watched as her ribs were broken.

Olivia closed her eyes as the first moments of her attack came back.

:::

_Lewis grabbed her roughly, shoving her into the living room, his strength greatly outweighing hers. He pushed her hard, sending her backwards into the living room wall. The air left her lungs as she crumpled to the ground, pain already enveloping her. _

_He was upon her again as she struggled to get up. Olivia caught the edge of his jaw with her weakened punch, only to have her arms grabbed and held in the firm grip of William Lewis. _

_He kicked her in the shin, twisting her and slamming her body back into the wall she had previously hit. She struggled against him, fighting as hard as she could. It was to no avail. _

_"Oh calm down, baby. It's just the two of us now." He taunted her. _

_Her leg moved on its own, hitting him in the groin at full strength. He loosened his grip, and Olivia ripped her arms away, only getting a few steps before he kicked her in the back of the legs. _

_Olivia shook, breathless on her stomach, getting to her hands and knees just in time to be lifted off the ground by a powerful kick to her ribs. She couldn't even scream, the oxygen left her so fast. Olivia closed her eyes briefly, falling to her side, unable to get up._

_ She held her arms to her torso as her body curled into a ball, attempting to protect her midsection from the next pain she knew was going to come. Her entire body was on fire. Her eyes wandered to the table in the hallway as another blow accompanied by an evil laugh rained down. _

_Fearlessness. _

_She found it quite ironic that the word she had worn around her neck for over a decade was the last word she'd ever see or think about. _

_Time was running out._

:::

Olivia blinked as she stared at the object. Maybe it was time to get rid of it, but then again maybe not.

She had been fearless enough to get herself out of that situation. She had used every ounce of fight she had in her to save herself.

Olivia put her hand to where her necklace dangled from her neck. She ran a finger over the gold plated word that seemed so little, but meant so much.

He couldn't take that away from her - her fearlessness.

She was a lioness. She would always fight for what she knew was hers, her life being no exception.


	6. Chapter 6

Brian drove Olivia to the hospital later that afternoon for the appointment. As they sat in the room awaiting the doctor to step in, Brian just held Olivia's gaze as she sat upon the table. The door opened and the doctor entered with a file under his arm.

"Thanks for waiting. How did you feel after yesterday?" He pulled up a chair and sat down.

"I had another bloody nose, and a bit of a headache last night, but I slept well." She replied timidly.

"Alright. Well I looked at the blood work and scans we did yesterday, and I think I've come up with an explanation for your bloody noses."

The doctor stood up and hung the scans on the lit wall.

"You're concussion is going to take a while to fully heal, and the only way to help it along is to rest up."

He didn't know anything about what had happened, except that Olivia had suffered a blow to the head.

"We already covered the possibility of high stress levels contributing to the nose bleeds, and I do think that has been playing a big part in it."

He spoke with great intelligence.

"In my professional opinion, I believe the combination of your healing concussion and your elevated levels of anxiety and stress is causing your bloody noses."

Olivia felt her shoulders lift a little as a weight left them. It was nothing serious. Thank God it was nothing serious.

"Ok. So what do we do about them?" Brian spoke up from his corner of the room.

The doctor wrote down a prescription on his pad and ripped it off, handing it to Olivia.

"Blocadren. It'll slow down your heartbeat as well as decrease the intensity at which your heart pumps. The combination of this and your anti-anxiety prescription is on the safe side. Together they should decrease the frequency of your nosebleeds. You may experience side effects like nausea, vomiting, and/or dizziness."

All the words were blurring together. He continued to talk, and she continued to nod as the room spun.

When she'd gone home after the night of the mistrial, Lewis released on bail, she'd never expected to be where she was now.

Her life had done a complete 360. Her life had turned around, and she felt like she was on an endless treadmill, trying to make progress in the right direction, unable to go forward faster than she was being pulled back.

* * *

Nick was used to working alongside Amanda now after the few months Olivia had taken for recovery, but now he'd only realized what he'd had when she was gone.

He missed his partner.

Amanda was a good detective, without a doubt, but she wasn't Olivia. Over two years, their partnership had grown strong.

After investigating for the entire morning and a good chunk of the afternoon, the squad reconvened in the precinct to take a break for lunch. As they ate, Amanda looked up at Rafael entering the room.

"Counsellor. What can we do for you?" She asked him.

Barba stopped at an empty desk.

"Benson not in today?" He motioned to her vacant desk.

"Uh - no. She took the day off." Nick replied.

The fast-talking man sighed.

"Why? There something you needed?" Nick continued to speak.

"I just wanted to speak with her about - something." Barba picked up his briefcase and turned to leave.

"Barba." Nick stood up.

Rafael turned around. Nick didn't say anything more. He just left the room, exiting to where the entrance to the bunks was. Rafael followed immediately.

When they were alone, Nick closed the door and spoke.

"Liv's having some trouble with her concussion. This about the case?" He questioned Barba's presence.

Rafael nodded. "Lewis is still recovering, but a tentative trial date has been set."

Nick stepped forward, his heart already beating fast.

"When?"

"November 29th." He let the words hang in silence for a while.

Nick swallowed.

"And you've got enough evidence to put him away this time, right?" He didn't mean for the words to be so accusative, but he knew how they'd sounded to Barba.

The lawyer looked down for a bit.

"I tried-"

Nick cut him off, already knowing what he was going to say.

"I know. I'm sorry - I didn't mean it like that."

Rafael caught his eye again. "But you have to know I did."

The guilt was coming out. Nick felt it radiating from the man in front of him.

"I know you did. We all did." Nick paused.

"We'll get him this time."

Rafael was thankful for his words, and he nodded a little in agreement. The two parted ways again, small parts of them feeling a tiny bit lighter.

They didn't have to carry the load alone, and that in itself was a blessing.

* * *

Brian and Olivia stopped at the pharmacy before heading back home. She took her first dose of pills in hopes they would help stop her nose from reminding her every night what she'd been through.

"Brian." She spoke to him as he put a few things away in the kitchen.

"Yeah?" He answered back, giving her his full attention.

"Can we talk - about what happened?" She turned to look at him slowly.

Brian swallowed hard.

"Whenever you want to talk, I'm ready to listen, Liv." He walked out to where she sat down on the couch, clasping her hands together hard.

She knew she had to talk about it or it would destroy their relationship. This was her chance. He sat down next to her.

"I want to talk now."

Brian put an arm around her and leaned back so he could hold her while she told him about the worst four days of her entire life.

It took her two hours to tell him everything she'd felt, everything she'd wished she could have prevented.

When she had finished, Brian decided to speak up and let his vulnerability show.

He admitted how scared he was that he'd never see her again. He told her how much he wished he would have told her he loved her because he wasn't sure if he would get that chance.

"But you told me in the hospital." She smiled a little at him, remembering hugging him as he spoke the words quietly.

"Yeah. And I got lucky that I got the chance to say it at all."

They sat in the comforting quiet for a while.

"I don't know what I would have done if you never came home." Brian spoke more to himself than to Olivia.

She smiled a little. It felt good to be needed.

"But I did." She whispered.

Brian nodded.

"Lucky for me." He replied.

She leaned up and gave him a soft kiss, his equally as passionate.

"I love you." He whispered softly.

A warmth spread through her. She would never grow tired of hearing them come from his mouth.

"I love you too."

* * *

Munch spent the rest of his day sitting in the security of his home, going through the files in his cabinet that he no longer needed. He shredded the ones he could part with, finding a couple that he wished to look through again.

The memories he'd made as a police officer were a combination of awful, and a vast majority of greatness. As he'd married and divorced several times, Munch never really had a family. But yet he had found one in the department of the New York Police.

He fished through the box that contained everything from his desk. He removed his stapler, his tape dispenser, his JFK plate, and other items that had been with him through his uni, detective, and sergeant days.

When he pulled out the individual photos, Munch took a seat at his table, shuffling them like cards before going through them. The first was a picture of him the day he'd graduated from the academy.

The next was a picture that captured the moment he and Cassidy had celebrated a tough case solved. He smiled at the realization of how things had changed.

He was but a boy in most of the pictures, now grown into an older man.

Olivia and Elliot were so young in the pictures he held, which also made him smile. Back then, none of them had known how much they'd go through, how close they'd become as a team.

Time had changed them all, but there were still remnants in them of who they used to be, of who they started as.

The style had definitely changed, as Munch found himself chuckling a few times. The technology had also changed without a doubt. The computers that used to be in the precinct were prehistoric beasts compared to the slender laptops they had now.

He realized that he hadn't been aware of that much changing as he grew more experience. But now looking back, it seemed like everything had changed so drastically.

With a sigh and one last glance at the young man he had once been, John Munch leaned back in his chair. He never thought he would be so close to everyone in that squad room across the city, but here he was, having been caught between a rock and a hard place.

He'd spent his time with that family of his, and it was time for him to go, to let them have their own experiences as he had.

Yet at that moment, the loneliness of his dark apartment just wasn't enough. So John got up, and picked up the phone.

* * *

Olivia let Munch in when he knocked on the door, reaching to grab her purse.

"Liv. You sure you're up to this?" He had to ask.

His concern couldn't be hidden from her. He was well aware that she didn't like people asking her if she was alright, but he had to know.

Olivia nodded, "Yeah. I'm sure."

Brian watched Olivia, concern on his own face. She was going out with the team for drinks, just the team. He'd offered to go, but she'd told him she could do it alone.

After speaking with Munch about the reason for the evening plans, Brian knew that it was best for the team to be together - alone. Liv left the room with Munch after giving Brian a gentle kiss and a reassuring smile.

On the way to the elevator, Munch started his conversation easily.

"Nice place you've got here." He commented honestly.

Olivia pressed the button for the door.

"Yeah. I really like it." She smiled, thinking about the place she called home.

And it truly was home. Her apartment had been a skeleton, an empty place for her to go home to after grueling hours at work. Now she came home to an apartment full of love and family, even if the family was just Brian.

"You two are settling in together, huh?" Munch continued to pry.

Olivia looked over at him with a smile.

"What are you getting at?" She asked, a hint of suspicion in her voice.

He chuckled a little as they stepped into the elevator and began to descend.

"Nothing. I just want to know if you two are ever gonna put a ring on it." He smiled, crossing his hands in front of him.

Olivia laughed a little. "You should talk to him about that one."

She continued to grin as she thought of marrying Brian. There was nothing she wanted more, except for a little time. She needed more time to find herself again, as the new person she'd become.

"Alright." He shrugged.

Olivia was still in that shell of the woman he used to know, her bright smile revealed.

"So tonight - what's up, Munch? What's going on?" She decided to turn the tables, shifting the conversation.

John sighed. He knew he was going to have to tell her some time.

"I wanted to have one last round of drinks with my team before I clocked out - for good." He replied with a small, sympathetic and saddened smile.

Olivia' stomach dropped as her breath left her.

He saw the sadness in her eyes when he looked at her.

"You're leaving?" Her voice was defeated, soft.

"It's time for me to leave you guys to your work. You're getting to advanced for me anyway." Munch replied with a discreet nod.

Olivia swallowed and attempted to keep her tears back.

"Why you going?" She whispered her question.

Munch knew his previous reason wasn't enough for her. She'd seen right through him.

"It's complicated." He replied softly.

Olivia shifted her weight when the door opened and they left.

"We can talk later. Let's enjoy tonight." He put a protective arm around her.

She nodded, "Ok."

Her life was falling apart because of one man, one monster.

The one that had gotten away was the one that was destroying her, even as he rotted behind bars. It was like he'd already won. She was the one that had freedom, and yet it felt like she was a prisoner of her own life.

**I hear Pablo Schreiber will be back. Will you be able to handle the trial? I won't**.


	7. Chapter 7

**I'm so sorry for the wait. Life's gotten a little busy. I'll try and stay on top of it!**

After driving a few minutes, Munch and Olivia walked into the familiar bar. Nick stood up when they approached the table. He grabbed a stool for Olivia as Fin did so for Munch.

"Thanks." Olivia muttered quietly.

She sat down.

"Alright. First round's on me." Munch put his hand down on the table with a little more force than he meant.

Olivia told herself not to jump, but found her body jolting anyway. She cursed under her breath, hoping no one had noticed.

Truth was, everyone had. But no one would say anything.

"What are you having?" He pointed at Nick.

"Just a beer would be nice." He said with a smile.

Munch moved his finger down the line until he reached the captain.

"A special club soda for me." He smiled a little.

Olivia nodded. "Me too." She said.

"Well this is a fun crew." Munch commented sarcastically.

They each smiled. When the bartender handed the drinks out, Olivia felt her throat tighten slightly. Amanda had vodka in her frosted glass.

_Calm down_, she ordered herself.

_You can't go panicking every time something reminds you of him._

She took a sip of her drink calmly, trying to remember why they were here.

"To a true hero - a conspiracy theorist, and great man. We'll miss you, John Munch."

Cragen raised his glass, everyone else lifting theirs to mirror him. Munch smiled.

"To my crazy ex-partner." Fin added.

"To my big brother." Olivia took her chance to speak.

"To Munch." Amanda and Nick both spoke at the same time.

John smiled as he watched them take drinks. This was his family. He loved each person sitting around him.

"You'd better be retiring for good, John. I don't know if anyone else would take you." Cragen patted him on the back.

Munch laughed, shaking his head. "Well for now I am. We'll see how long I can keep myself busy."

He smiled with the others.

Nick could see the tension in Olivia's eyes, in every muscle in her face and neck. Her hand shook when she put her glass to her face and took a small drink. When she could feel the nervous sweat beginning to roll down the back of her neck, she knew she had to get up.

She couldn't hear anything her colleagues were saying to each other.

She stood up.

"Leaving already?" Munch asked with a grin.

She gave him the best fake smile she could.

"Guess it's going right through me. I'll be right back."

She turned around and headed to the back of the restaurant, pushing the door of the bathroom open and steadying herself with her hands on the walls until she reached the sink. The feeling she was having was familiar, but she hadn't had it so severe in over a month.

The smell of the vodka in Amanda's glass was in her nose, mouth, and mind. She could taste it. She could feel it in her lungs again, forced down her throat as she choked.

Her arms shook as she held the sink, her head down as she tried to gain composure. Olivia felt sick, so sick that she had to stumbled into a bathroom stall to lose what she'd had for supper.

Her legs wouldn't hold her up any longer, and she collapsed beside the toilet, her back against the wall of the stall, knees bent to her chest as she closed her eyes and breathed slowly.

* * *

Nick stood up from the table.

"You too?" Amanda smiled at him.

He shrugged.

"I guess it's a partner thing." He smiled back before leaving for the bathroom.

When he walked into the small hallway and was out of the view of the group, he walked to the door of the women's bathroom. He knocked quietly.

"Liv. You ok?" He spoke softly, knowing that she wasn't.

Olivia was still on the floor, unable to stand when she heard her partner's voice. She ran a hand through her hair. There were perks of being able to read partners, but she cursed at how much he could tell by just the look in her eyes.

She wasn't going to lie anymore.

"No."

She heard the word tumble from her lips as an ashamed chuckle escaped. She bit her lip.

The word was a concerning surprise to Nick. He'd expected the "I'm fine" response, as he'd always gotten before.

He pushed the door open and found her sitting in the first stall, her face ghastly white, her hand shaking as it played anxiously with her hair. Nick's heart was wrenched powerfully, painfully. It was so hard to see his fearless friend living like this.

He walked forward, sinking to a crouch in front of her.

"What's wrong?" He was careful with his words.

She looked up at him, feeling so vulnerable. A smile crossed her lips before she bit them again.

"Amanda ordered vodka. And all I can think about it how he almost drowned me with it."

She shook her head.

"I can't do this anymore. It's just a drink." She was sick and tired of the smallest things setting her off.

"It's going to get better. It'll just take a little while." He tried to offer a little reassurance.

It was futile.

"Why did he let me live." She couldn't stop the words from coming out.

It was a thought that she'd kept inside her since the day she realized how hard recovery would be. It wasn't a question, but rather a statement.

Nick swallowed hard. He didn't know what he was going to say.

"Because you didn't let him kill you. You fought him off. You saved yourself."

He paused a while as she stared at him.

"It wasn't your time."

His last words hit her hard. She swallowed just as hard as he had, and she looked at him long and hard.

"We don't get to choose that." Olivia's voice wavered just a little.

This was the conversation he'd wanted with her. Never did he imagine it being so painful.

"No. We don't." Nick agreed.

He sat down with his own back against the front wall of the stall, turning his head to look at his partner, his friend, a member of his family.

"But we can fight like hell if we think we've been chosen too soon."

He stopped again, giving time for the words to sink in both him and to Olivia.

"And you did that. You've been fighting your whole life against monsters. They don't get to turn around and take your life away from you. You know it just as well as I do. And you fought that because you knew it wasn't right." Nick finished faintly.

Olivia let the words flow through her, getting into her mind and her heart. Every word he said was true.

"I fought that because that's the only thing I know how to do. If I'm going to die, like I will someday, it won't be at the hands of a rapist."

It felt so good to let the feelings out. She didn't want to stop there, but she didn't know how to continue.

"I don't know how to say what I feel -"

"Just try." Nick encouraged her.

"Is it even worth it to try and get back to normal? Am I ever going to get better?" She let it out as best she could.

"All those people sitting out there - they need you. I need you. We're going to get you better if it takes the rest of our lives, because you're worth it. You're the most fearless woman I know, and if you have to touch that necklace on your neck every once in a while to remind you of that, then that's just fine with me, as long as you _do _remember it. It might be different walking down the road than coaching others on it, but if anyone can do it it's you. And you're not alone on it. We want you to know that."

He couldn't keep talking. His voice was on the verge of giving out.

Olivia felt that familiar lump in her throat. She felt as if she'd swallowed a marble.

"Thank you." The whisper was weak, but she managed to make it loud enough for him to hear.

* * *

The group noted how long the pair had been gone, and became a little anxious as they waited for them to return. When Olivia and Nick came out of the bathrooms over ten minutes after leaving the table, no one said anything about it.

Except Munch, that is.

He felt the mood in a downward spiral, and so he used his endless humor to lighten it again.

"You fall in?" The two smiled genuinely.

Olivia was exhausted from the adrenaline rush of her episode, yet she could feel happy and safe amongst the people she was with.

"I had to pull him out." Olivia replied with another tired smile.

She glanced at Amanda's glass, now over half empty.

"You can tell us, you know." Cragen nodded after a sobering moment of silence.

Every pair of eyes at the table was on Olivia. She nodded. It was good for her to open up, little by little.

She swallowed.

"Vodka. It just - I - I guess it just reminded me." Her voice was quiet, her eyes on her club soda as she spoke.

Amanda's heart sank.

"Oh god, Liv. I'm sorry." She pushed the glass away from her.

Olivia shook her head, making eye contact with the younger detective.

"No. No. My inability to react properly should not be a reason for you guys to have to sacrifice things, like your favorite drinks. I'll work through it. I just need a little more - time."

It was so hard to say it, but it felt so good to have them know. Unspoken words are ones that often get lost in silent translation, and now the reason behind the glances and silent conversations was clear.

Fin nodded, giving her a smile. "You've got it. We're not going anywhere."

They were all relieved to see a small smile on her face.

Munch raised his glass in the air. "To Liv - the most fearless woman we'll ever know."

They each raised their glasses with smiles on their faces.

"On a journey with the rest of us." Cragen added.

"Holding on tight." Olivia finished with a nod.

* * *

Brian was sitting in the living room watching the nightly news when the door opened. He turned to find Olivia entering, Munch right behind her.

"All done drinking?" He joked with the two.

Munch smiled.

"For tonight, anyways. Next time you're coming along." He pointed at his old partner.

Olivia leaned over the couch to give him a quick kiss, thankful to be back where she felt indescribably safe.

"Feel free to stick around, John." She smiled at him and walked across the floor of the open apartment until she reached the bedroom.

She closed the door behind her to change into some pajamas.

Munch sat down in one of the chairs on the side of the couch, leaning back easily.

Brian grinned.

"So, how's it feel?" He questioned the retiree.

Munch sighed.

"Honestly? Like I'm making a huge mistake." He replied dismally.

Brian shook his head. "Come on. It's time you get the retirement you've been talking about since, what - '99?"

Munch stroked his chin with his hand in deep thought before letting his arm dangled on the armrest again.

"I'm going to miss walking into that squad room every morning." He reflected while staring the television, not seeing a thing that was happening on it.

Brian turned his gaze to the TV as well.

"You'll never be far away. Neither will they." He said softly.

Munch turned to look at him again.

"It's a big city." Munch replied.

"Not that big." Brian smiled, knowing exactly what he meant.

* * *

"If you want to find us, we'll be here." Olivia hugged Munch before he left the apartment, her hair now hanging down freely, yoga pants and a sweatshirt gracing her tired body.

"You'll always be Sergeant Munch to me." She smiled at him as Cassidy shook his hand.

"We're family. Don't forget that, Old Man." Brian smiled at his former partner, his good friend.

"I won't. Goodnight, you two." Munch left the apartment with a feeling of calm serenity within his restless heart.


End file.
